Friday, May 21, 2004

HARVARD AWARDS PhD DEGREE TO LAMP POST

In a move lauded as innovative, Harvard has awarded a Ph. D. degree (cum laude) in Sanskrit to a lamp post on a side street in Newton, Massachussetts. "It is richly deserved, the lamp post knows more Sanskrit than most of our previous graduates", said Mahamahopadhyaya Suryanatha Watsala, the head of the Harvard Summer Sanskrit program.

It is not the first such degree awarded to an inanimate object: West Lake University of Northern Wyoming recently awarded a degree in economics to a neon sign in its campus bar-judged far brighter than any of the faculty. ( It flashed "St. Pauli Girl" for some as yet unkown reason.) However it is the first time a lamp post with a burned out light bulb (soon to be a protected disability) has been so honored. " About time we padded our graduating rolls, to get ready for the coming clash of civilizations" said Prof. Hunter of the exalted Political Science department.

The lamp post did not respond to repeated requests for comment.

It has been an open secret in academia that it is impossible to get any grade below A in a Harvard course for years.
It used to be that once you get admitted, a pulse is all you need to graduate with honors. Fully 90% of students graduate in the top
percentile of the class, a feat that even the residents of Lake
Wobegone canot match. Yet Prof. Dr. Herr Mahamahopadhyaya Watsala
has done away with the requirement of the pulse or any sign of life of any sort at all-ending years of discrimination by the sentient against the insentient majority. "We used to require our graduates to be able to locate India on a map of the world, but it is just too hard on them. Beasides, if India wants to get to talk to us, she will call us; we are listed in the phone book. We don't need to know where she is located. We don't train our students to be mere memorizers of facts here at Harvard. We teach them to manufacture facts: the only kind of manufacturing that is safe from outsourcing to India."

The only discordant note was struck by Prof. Howard Cminus. "I just heard that there are these clowns in the basement of the Divinity School handing out degrees to anyone-even anything. I thought we ended all that when Prof. Ithaca North moved to Princeton. I have my own system for awarding grades. I give everyone an A as required by Harvard bylaws, but I tell them their real grade if they come to my office and talk to me in private. Did the lamp post even attend a
class?"


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EQUAL TIME REBUTTAL REQUIRED BY FCC RULES

I am getting really sick of this character assasination, this obvious sophomoronic misunderestimation of me, and especially Harvard. Why has this clown not been banned yet? We banned him from the INDOLOGY, PEDAGOGUERY, and YOGAPSYCHEOUT email lists. Yet he still continues to post here! What the heck is a blog anyway? Is there no justice in this world for an angry old man?

Who is in charge of this operation here? Can't we set up a reciprocity arrangement? We will ban any one you don't like in return for you banning those that scare us. Is that a deal? Please please don't just ignore us, we are begging you.

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All this about my rift with Diana Blank ( Blank, Do, Theen, Char..) is just lies I say: simple lies this time. As a matter of fact, I am only envious of her ability to write, to relate to people and to understand something of Indian spirituality even if from her own Christian perspective. Darn it, people like her! Something not even my sycophants feel towards me. I will admit here (just between you me and Dr. Lamppost) that I have been reading her books on religion among the diaspora Indians. Now I can slip little factoids I picked up into conversation casually.

These so--called parodies are just tidbits you can pick up reading
the newspaper anywhere. You have really no idea how thoroughly
despised I am in the scholarly community for bringing disrepute with my insufferable arrogance and ignorance. Indeed instead of coming with an independent analysis, s/he (it) is merely parrotting the self-criticism of Indology by the academic community. Shame on you! Sathyam Eva indeed! (Isn't that the name of a dancer I knew in Damstad? Eva sounds familiar.)




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